Murphy's Laws and others...

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Murphy's Law - If anything can go wrong, it will.

Nagler's Comment on Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

Heid's Observation - Junk mail never quits.

Murphy's First Corollary - Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Lampner's Law of Employment - When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When leaving work early, you will meet your boss in the parking lot.

Lornez's Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Fant's Law - When attempting to open a locked door with only one hand free, the key will be in the opposite pocket.

Glynn's Fourth Corollary - The amount of aggravation inherent to a business transaction is inversely proportional to the profit.

First Rule of Environmental Protection - The species is protected only after it is hopelessly depleted.

Murphy's Unavoidable Law of the Office - Copying machines mangle only important documents.
Corollary: If a machine goes wild and runs off 180 copies, it will do so when you are copying a personal letter.

Ostrofsky's Law - The size of the rip in the article that you just tore out of the newspaper is directly proportional tot he importance of the article.

Firmage's Rule of Auto Repair - That which is attached with only two bolts is directly behind something attached with eight.

Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law - Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Dasgupta's Refutation of the Law of Thermodynamics - Two physical bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time ... unless they are riding on a crowded bus.

Minton's Law of Painting - Any paint, no matter what the quality of composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.

Olivier's Law - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Tussman's Law - Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Soper's Law - Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance efficiency is immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.

The Roman Rule - The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

Gualtieri's Law of Inertia - Where there's a will, there's a won't.

The Sagan Fallacy - To say a human being is nothing but molecules and atoms is like saying a Shakespearean play is nothing but words and letters.

Heid's First Law - Women's liberation didn't.

Diner's Dilemma - A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Aristotle's Dictum - One should always prefer the probable impossible to the improbable possible.

First Law of Business Meetings - The number of times the lead in a pencil will break is in direct proportion to the importance of the notes being taken.

George's Law - All pluses have their minuses.

Patry's Law - If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong.

Law of Highway Construction - The most heavily travelled streets spend the most time under repair.

Law of Annoyance - When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you are certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.

Murphy's Second Law of Construction - When taking something apart to fix a minor malfunction, you will cause a major malfunction.

Park's Law of Insurance Rates and Taxes - Whatever goes up, stays up.

Thompson's Rule of Warehousing - To ensure immediate need of a carton from the shelf, put something very large and heavy in front of it

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership
1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.

Erbenich's extension: If you keep it and you need it, you won't be able to find it.

Boob's Law - You always find something in the last place you look.

Christy's Computer Axioms
1. Backup files are never complete.
2. Software bugs are correctable only after the software is judged obsolete.

Welwood's Axiom - Disorder expands proportionately to the tolerance for it.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle - The location of all objects cannot be known simultaneously.
Corollary: If a lost thing is found, something else will disappear.

Cleve's Conundrum - Those who become part of a larger picture don't appear smaller.

Murphy's Paradox - Doing it the hard way is always easier.

Second Rule of Environmental Protection - The most efficient way to dispose of toxic waste is to reclassify the waste as non-toxic.

Amerikaner's Law of Child Rearing - The child who begs to sleep late on school days will be up before dawn on the weekends.

Jan and Martha's Law of the Beauty Shop - The most flattering comments on your hair come the day before you're scheduled to have it cut.

The Airplane Law - When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Rule of the Great - When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

First Law of Bridge - It's always the partner's fault.

Jana's Second Law of Love - Better a pebble given out of love than a diamond out of duty.

Golub's First law of Computerdom - Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.

Lieberman's Law - Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Spark's First Rule - Strive to look tremendously important.

Golub's Second Law of Computerdom - A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.

Rudnicki's Nobel Principle - Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Goldenstern's Laws
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesperson.

Rule of Feline Frustration - When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly want to go to the bathroom.

Collins' Conference Principle - The speaker with the most monotonous voice speaks after the big meal.

Las Vegas Law - Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change.

Aigner's Axiom - No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.

Owens' Theory of Organizational Deviance - Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled by misfits.
Corollary: Once a misfit leaves, another will be recruited.

Snider's Law - Nothing can be done in one trip.

Law of the Lost Inch - In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40 P.M. on Friday.
Corollary: The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 A.M. on Monday.

Lowery's Law - It is jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Rogers' Law - If it's worth doing, it is worth overdoing.

First Law of Kitchen Confusion - In a family recipe you discover in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible.

Rudin's Law - In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Reynold's Law - Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to the cost of the hairdo.

Heid's Law of Lines - No matter how early you arrive, someone else is in line first.

Pudder's Law - Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

Lynch's Law - When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate - Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.

Willoughby's Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

First Law of Computer Programming - Any given program, when running is obsolete.

Davis' Law - If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is "no."

The Bumper to Bumper Belief - Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.

Silvers' Law of Doctoring - It never heals correctly.

Indisputable Law of Sports Contracts - The more money the free agent signs for, the less effective he is the following season.

Second Law of Computer Programming - The value of a program is proportional tot he weight of its output.

The Computer Programmer's Lament - Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Brook's Law - Adding personnel to a late software project makes it later.

O'Tool's Commentary on Murphy's Law - Murphy was an optimist.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Harris' Lament - All the good ones are taken.

Second Law of Gardening - Fancy gizmos don't work.

Jones' Law - The man who can smile when something goes wrong has thoughts of someone he can blame it on.

Truman's Law - If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

First Law of Debate - Never argue with a fool - people might not know who is the fool.

Biondi's Law - If your project doesn't work, check the part you didn't think was important.

Howe's Law - Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Munder's Corollary to Howe's Law: Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.

Pope's Law - Chipped dishes never break.

Vile's Law of Value - The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

Tillis's Organizational Principle - If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

Ducharme's Precept - Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perrussel's Law - There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.

Vile's Law of Communication - No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Bocklage's Law - He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

John's Collateral Corollary - In order to get a loan you must fist prove you don't need it.

Weinberg's First Law - Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Seay's Law - Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Hoffer's Law - When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Westheimer's Rule - To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate two days for a one-hour task.

Parkinson's Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income.

Wiker's Law - Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Parkinson's Law of Delay - Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

Cheops' Law - Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

The 90/10 Rule of Project Schedules - The first 90 percent of the task takes 10 percent of the time. The last 10 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time.

Colridge's Law - Extremes meet

Schopenhaur's Law of Entropy - If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

The Murphy Philosophy - Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.

Marks' Law - A fool and your money are soon partners.

Law of Institutions - The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

O'Brien's Law - Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.

Levy's Ninth Law - Only God can make a random selection.

Reverend Chichester's Law - If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.

Owens' Law for Secretaries - As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

O'Brien's Principle (the #357.73 theory) - Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

Weiler's Law - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Weinberg's Second Law - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would have destroyed civilization.

Mr. Cole's Axiom - The sum of the intelligence on the planet remains a constant; the population, however, continues to grow.

Barth's Distinction - There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

First Law of Socio-Genetics - Celibacy is not hereditary.

Malek's Law - Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Edds' Law of Radiology - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body you are required to place upon it.

The Bureaucracy Principle - Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Eng's Principle - The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

First Law of Money Dynamics - A surprise monetary windfall will be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.

Tracey's Time Observation - Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Murphy's Third Law of the Kitchen - The mixing bowl you need is dirty.

Murphy's Fourth Law of the Kitchen - When the meal you are preparing is on schedule, the guests will be 45 minutes late.
COROLLARY: When the guests are on time, the meal will be 45 minutes late.

Skoff's Law - A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Weiner's Law of Libraries - There are no answers, only cross-references.

Lovka's Other Advice - Never rely on a person who uses "party" as a verb.

Van Gogh's Law - Whatever plan one makes, there is a hidden difficulty somewhere.

The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Firmage's Law of Family Planning - The next pregnancy comes nine months after the last cloth diaper is thrown away.

Murphy's First Law for Wives - If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then add one more as an afterthought, he'll forget two of the first five.

Witten's Law - Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

Law of the Search - The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Persweig's Law - People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rend, build up equity.

Schmidt's Law - If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

Loftus' Law - Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

Murphy's Second Law for Wives - The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Flugg's Law - When you need to knock on wood, is when you realize the world is composed of aluminum and vinyl.

First Law of Final Exams - Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
COROLLARY: If you bring extra batteries they will be defective.

The Queue Principle - The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

Dykstra's Law - Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth - In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.

Freeman's Extension: ...but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

Grossman's Misquote of H.L. Mencken - Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Edelstein's Advice - Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

First Law of Travel - It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

Cafeteria Law - The one item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.
Etorre's Observation - The other line moves faster.

O'Brien's Variation on Etorre's Observation - If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are in.

Kenton's Corollary: Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry.

Second Law of Final Exams - During your toughest final - for the first time all year - the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you.

Murphy's Rule of the Term Paper - The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.

Murphy's Third Law for Wives - Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's duties will be easier.

Prescher's Law of Exams - If you don't know the answer, someone will ask the question.

Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy - The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll.

Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry - Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

Simon's Law of Destiny - Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Knox's Principle of Star Quality - Whenever a superstar is traded to your favourite team, he fades. Whenever you team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

Lavia's Law of Tennis - A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition.

The Rule of the Rally - The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

Hutchison's Law - If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

Jones' Law of Zoos and Museums - The most interesting specimen will not be lobulate.

Harrison's Postulate - For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Naeser's Law - You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn foolproof.

Murphy's First Law for Husbands - If you run into an old girlfriend - no matter how innocently - your wife will know about it before you get home.

Poor Wife's Lament (Moses' Motto) - It is better to wander forty years in the desert than to stop and ask directions.

Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy - In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow.

Thal's Law - For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Hansen's Library Axiom - The closest library doesn't have the material you need.

Pantuso's Fist Law - The book you spent $19.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

Dingle's Law - When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around rather than pick it up.

Drew's Law of Highway biology - The first but to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Porkingham's Law of Sport Fishing - The worse your line is tangled, the better the fishing is around you.

Bedfellow's Rule - The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy's Third Law for Husbands - The gifts you buy your wife are never as apropos as the gifts your neighbour buys his wife.

Meadow's Maxim - You can't push on a rope.

Spencer's Laws of Data
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

Drew's Law of Professional Practice - The client who pays the least, complains the most.

Fultons's Law of Gravity - The effort to catch a falling object will produce more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Murphy's Fourth Law for Husbands - Your wife's stored possessions will always be on top of your stored possessions.

Law of Probable Dispersal - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Joe's Law - The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the fist person to be let go in any reorganization.

Pfeifer's Principle - Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.Swipple's Rule of Order - He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Law of Reruns - If you have watched only one episode of a TV series, and you watch a rerun, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Kitman's Law - Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.

Price's First Law - If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.

Hardin's Law - You can never do just one thing

Berra's First Law - You can observe a lot by watching.

Berra's Second Law - Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgment - Assumption is the mother of all screwups.

The Smiths' Law - No real problem has a solution.

Rush's Rule of Gravity - When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby while all the other coins will roll out of sight.

Perlsweig's Second Law - Whatever goes around, comes around.

The Siddhartha Principle - You cannot cross a river in two strides.

Jaruk's Second Law - If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one.
Corollary: If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist upon buying the latest model.

Roberts' Axiom - Only errors exist

Berman's Corollary to Roberts' Axiom: One man's error is another man's data.

Fifth Law of Unreliability - To err is human, but to really foul things requires a computer.

Lee's Law - In any dealings with a collective body of people, the people will always be more tacky than originally expected.

Spencer's Laws of Accountancy -
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Working capital doesn't.
3. Liquidity tends to run out.
4. Return on investments won't.

Second Law of Kitchen Confusion - Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse.

Weber's Definition - An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Warren's Rule - To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

De Juseus' Observation - An expert is that person most surprised by the latest evidence to the contrary.

Devries' Dilemma - if you hit two keys on a typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Cornuelle's Law - Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

Deal's First Law of Sailing - The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number and experience of the people you take on board.

Cambell's First Law of Automotive Repair - If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off.

Yeager's Law - Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
Corollary; All breakdowns occur on the plumbers day off.

Finagle's Eighth Rule - Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

Murphy's Guide to Modern Science
1. If it's green or wriggles, its biology
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Lerman's Law of Technology - Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Lerman's Corollary; You are never given enough time or money.

Troutman's Fifth Programming Postulate - If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.

Bromberg's First Law of Automotive Repair - When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.

Stitzer's Vacation Principle - When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.

Norris' Law - The day of the big heat wave is the day the office air conditioning breaks down.

Nelson's Law - The better the four-wheel drive, the farther out you get stuck.

Karinthy's Definition - A bus is a vechicle that goes on the other side in the opposite direction.

Andras' Political Postulate - The founding of a party signals the dessolution of a movement.

Quile's Consultation Law - The job that pays the most will be offered whwn there is no time to deliver the services.

First Rule of Negative Aticipation - You will save yourself a lot of needless worry id you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

Deal's Second Law of Sailing - No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the farthest point from port the wind will die.

Cambell's Second Law of Automotive Repair - If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back-ordered.

Rudnicki's Rule - That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Lemar's Parking Postulate - After you have parked six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.

Troutman's Sixth Programming Postulate - Profanity is the one language all programmers know.

Bromberg's Second Law of Automotive Repair - No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Femo's Law of Automotive Repair - If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

Johnson's Second Law - If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.
COROLLARY: All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.

Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary - No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Bess' Universal Principles
1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Kovac's Conundrum - When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Shirley's Law - Most people deserve each other.

Authur's First Law of Love - People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

Universal Equine Equation - At any particular time, there are more horses' asses in the world than horses.

Allen's Law - Almost anthing is easier to get into than out of.

The Rule of Law - If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the facts and the law are against you, yell like hell.

Seeger's Law - Anthing in parentheses can be ignored.

First Rule of Acting - Whatever happens, look as if you intended it to happen.

Python's Principle of TV Morality - There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long as you don't fall off it.

Britt's Green Thumb Postulate - The life expectancy of a houseplant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

Ballance's Law of Relativity - How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Jacob's Law - To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Felson's Law - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Arthur's Second Law of Love - The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Jones' First Law of TV Programming - The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.

Ryan's Application of Parkinson's Law - Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Seit's Law of Higher Education - The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during your last semester.

Johnson's Third Law - If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will aff fall on the same evening.

Jana's Definition - If you want it but you don't and you can't understand it but you do, it must be love.

Jilly and Rob's Conclusion - Life is too serious to be taken very seriously.

J.S. Gillete's Dictum - The ony labor worth laboring at is a lobor of love.

Mars' Rule - An expert is anyone from out of town.

First Law of Office Murphology - Improtant letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

First Principle for Patients - Just because yur doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

The Pitfalls of Genius - No boss will keep an employee who is right all the time.

First Law of Applied Terror - When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.

Second Law for Free-lance Artists - All rush jobs are due the same day.

First Law of Class Scheduling - Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.

Humphries' Law of Bicycling - The shortest route has the steepest hills.

Jeff's Theory of the Stock Market - The price of a stock moves inversely to the number of shares purchased.

Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research - The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.

Rominger's Rules for Students
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.

Conway's Law - In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Jones' Second Law of TV Programming - If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.

Law of Balance - Bad habits will cancel out good ones.
EXAMPLE: The orange juice and granola you had for breakfast will be canceled out by the cigarette yousmoked on the way to work and the candy bar you just bought.

Terman's Law of Innovation - If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

Farmer's Credo - Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday proay for a crop failure.

Matz's Maxim - A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Gilb's First Law of Computer Unreliability - Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Third Law of Free-lance Artists - The rush job you spent all night on won't be needed for at least two days.

Law of Legislative Action - The length of time it takes a bill to pass through the legislature is in inverse proportion to the number of lobbying groups favoring it.

Churchill's Commentary on Man - Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick up and continue on.

Matz's Rule Regarding Medications - A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.

Cochrane's Aphorism - Before ordering a test, decide what you will do if it is:
1) positive
2) negative.
If both your answers are the same, don't do the test.

Anton's Law of Stadiums and Arenas - When they brag about keeping the price of the tickets down, the cost of the parking goes up.

Second Law of Office Murphology - Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business.

Ground Rules for Laboratory Workers - When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Moser's Law of Spectator Sports - Exciting plays occure only while you are watching the scoreboard or out burying a hot dog.

Second Law of Class Scheduling - A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.

Theory of Selective Supervision - The one time in the day you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.

Jaffe's Precept - There are some things that are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know these things.

Amanada's Law of Management - Everyone is always someplace else.

Winfield's Dictum of Direction Giving - The possibility of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, "You can't miss it."

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour - People are always available for work in the past tense.

Green's Law of Debate - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Oliver's Law of Location - No matter where you go, there you are!

Bitton's Postulate on State-of-the-Art Electronics - If you understand it, it's obsolete.

Lefty Gomez's Law - If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.

Robert's Law of Corporate Management - Title outweighs performance.

Second Principle for Patients - The more boring and out-of -date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

Lunsford's Rule of Scientific Endeavor - The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.

Schrimpton's Law of Teenage Opportunity - When opportunity knocks, you've got the headphones on.

Jacobson's Law - The less work an organization produces, the more frequently it reorganizes.

Fish's First Law of Animal Behavior - The probability of a cat eating its dinner has nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.

Witzling's Law of Progeny Performance - Any child who chatters non-stop at home will refuse to utter a word when asked to speak to a visitor.

Telesco's First Law of Nursing - All the IVs are at the other end of the hall.

Telesco's Second Law of Nursing - There are two kinds of adhesive tape: the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off.

Working Cook's Laws
1. If you're wondering if you took meat out to thaw, you didn't.
2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did.

The Pet Principle - No matter which side of the door the dog or the cat is on, it's the wrong side.

The Extended Rule of Money Dynamics - A check due to you takes two weeks to arrive. The bill you accrue arrive the next day.

Eddie's First Law of Business - Never conduct negotiations before 10:00 A.M. or after 4:00 P.M. Before 10:00 A.M. you'll appear too anxious, and after 4:00 P.M. they'll think you're desperate.

Lee's Law of Electrical Repair - The simpler it looks, the more problems it hides.

Gray's Bus Law - A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no longer wothwhile boarding the bus.

Law of the Individual - Nobody really cares of understands what anyone else is doing.

Matsch's Law - It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.

Wolter's Law - If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money, you won't have the time.

The Watergate Principle - Government corruption is always reported in the past tense.

Lovka's First Political Principle - There is no sincerity like a politician telling a lie.

The Firth Rule of Politics - When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.

Beach's Law - No two identical parts are alike.

Mae West's Observation - To err is human, but it feels divine.

First Law of Corporate Planning - Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.

Firmage's Law of Time Management - When you finally take time to smell the roses, you will find out you have hay fever.

Stenderup's Law - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

Drummond's Law of Personnel Recruiting - The ideal resume will turn up one day after the job is filled.

Whistler's Law - You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.

Imhoff's Law - The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.

Hane's Law - There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Firmage's Law of Child Care - Rather than bribing, teasing ,forcing or hoodwinking your baby to take a pill, place it on the floor. It will be eaten.

Ziarko's Enigma - Paint applied according to the manufacturer's instructions lasts three months. A drop on your shoe lasts forever.

London's Law of Libraries - No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.

Zelman's Rule of Radio Reception - Your pocket radio won't pick up the station you want to hear most.

Jay's First Law of Leadership - Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else does is creative leadership.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government - No man's life, liberty or property aare safe while the legislature is in session.

Trischmann's Paradox - A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Bucy's Law - Nothing is ever accomplished by a reaasonable man.

Dedera's Law - In a three-story building served by one elevator; nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor where you are not.

Woodside's Grocery Principle - The bag with the eggs in it is the bag that breaks.

The Party Law - The more food you prepare, the less your guests eat.

Paul's Law - You can't fall off the floor.

Chapman's Commentary on Paul's Law: It takes children three years to learn Paul's Law.

Third Law of Kitchen Confusion - You are always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. Example: If you make roast turkey you will be complimented on the potatoes.

Hlade's Law - If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an easier way to do it.

Law of the Perversity of Nature - You cannot sussessfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Heller's Law - The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within an organization.

Last Law of Product Design - If you can't fix it, feature it.

T. Smith's Rule of Holiday Shopping - There is always one more gift to buy.

Jilly's Law of the Post Office - A Guaranteed Delivery Date is a guarantee that your delivery will take place on a day with a date.

Finman's Bargain Basement Principle - The one you want is never the one on sale.

Howden's Law - You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.

Evans' Law - If you can keep yur head when everyone about you is losing his, then you just don't understand the problem.

Matz's Warning - Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Law of Arrival - Those who live closest arrive latest.

Baker's Law of Economics - You never want the one you can afford.

Brooks' Laws of Retailing
1. Security isn't.
2. Management can't.
3. Sale promotions don't.
4. Consumer assistance doesn't.
5. Workers won't.

Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction - If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.

Lewis' Law - People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

McGowan's Christmas Shopping Axiom - If an item is advertises as "under $50." you can bet it's not $19.95.

Second Law of Business Meetings - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a neme, you will spell it wrong anyway.

Hadley's First Law of Clothes Shopping - If you like it, they don't have it in your size.

The Salary Axiom - The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Law of the Great Idea - The only time you come up with a great solution is after somebody else has solved the problem.

First Law of Living - As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.

Miller's Law of Insurance - Insurance covers everything except what happens.

Kelly's First Law of Aerial Navigation - The most important information on any chart is on the fold, which is torn.

Amerikaner's Law of Light - There are two types of Hanukkah candles:
1. Broken.
2. Unlightable.

Sintetos' First Law of Consumerism - A sixty-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the sixty-first day.

Thine's Law - Nature abhores people.

First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering - Save all the parts.

Dehay's Axiom - Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.

Jana's Law of the Season - The one friend or relative for whom you didn't buy a gift will arrive with a gift for you.

Norma's Definition - An "After Christmas Sale" is an opportunity to buy all the junk you wouldn't be caught dead buying for Christmas.

Chisholm's Second Corollary - If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law - Everything goes wrong all at once.

Cooper's Metalaw - A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

Maahs' Law - Things go right so they can go wrong.

Gattuso's Extenson of Murphy's Law - Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.