Blonde Jokes 601 - 700 |
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601. What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? 602. What do a blonde and a good beer have in common? They both go down easy. 603. What does a blonde and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up c*nts. 604. If a blonde and abrunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde is such an air head. 605. What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone? Ice cream cones don't lick back. 606. What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks! 607. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? Bobbing for Bimbos. 608. What do a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. 609. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back. 610. Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? Because that's what they train for all their lives. 611. Why does telling a blonde to alphebetize M&Ms confuse her? "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" 612. Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! 613. What is the blonde's favorite potato chip? Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay). 614. What is the blonde's favorite battery? Ever-ready. 615. What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, ....? A blonde doing cartwheels. 616. Why did the blonde finally pass her driver's test? She took the examiner with her. 617. Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times! 618. What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win. 619. Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? Who cares? 620. What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? About 2 cans of hair spray. 621. What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants? Pick them up off the floor and put them on. 622. What is the definition of "fu** off"? The final round of an all blonde beauty contest. 623. What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties? Clitty litter. 624. What is a bellybutton for? It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down. 625. What is a blonde's only complaint about oral sex? The lousy view. 626. Why is a blonde similar to an ironing board? I could never close the legs of an ironing board either. (see joke 330 for a simliar punchline) 627. How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? She puts on rubber based lipstick. 628. There was a blonde and a brunette who were about to commit suicide. They both jumped off of a tall building and, a couple of seconds later, the brunette hit the pavement, but not the blonde. What happened to her? She got lost. 629. A guy asked his blonde wife, "How did you get the car into the living room?" "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left." 630. Someone asked a blonde if she believed in smoking. "Yes, I've seen it done." 631. Two blondes are in a dark theatre: Blonde #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!" Blonde #2: "Just ignore him." Blonde #1: "I can't. He's using my hand." 632. A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?" 633. Blonde #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Blonde #2: "No, who wrote it?" 634. Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh? 635. Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries? 636. Did you hear about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man. 637. Blonde #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Blonde #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?" Blonde #1: "Snuff." 638. Blonde: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" Man: "It's 3:15." Blonde: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that same question all day, and each time I get a different answer." 639. Male Secretary: "Feel free to use my dictaphone." New Blonde Employee: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else. 640. A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your penis?" 641. A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner," she replies. 642. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? If you're not in bed by 12, come home. 643. A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me." "Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch." 644. A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "Do you want me to start over and talk slower?" 645. Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp the said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man. 646. Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late. 647. A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms." 648. A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate. 649. A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again. "I want a weigh," she says. Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do "I want a weigh," she says. "Damn," thinks the boy, "She's just too weird for me." They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?" "Wousy," says the girl. 650. Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash? 651. How is a blonde like a Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow. 652. How is a blonde like a Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck. 653. How is a blonde like a Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on. 654. "How come that blonde girl got expelled from school?" "She was caught cheating." "How?" "She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!" 655. Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times. The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework. 656. A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "However, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG." And alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG." And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his member, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG!" As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy's member off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard. 657. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three, one to get the bulb, one to get a chair,and one to get a man. or 658. One to screw it in and then the world revolves around her. or 659. "What's a lightbulb?" or 660. "What was the question again?" or 661. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!" or 662. One, but it's a pretty dim bulb. or 663. None. Blondes screw in corvettes, not in lightbulbs. 664. Why did the blonde stop having kids after three? She read that 1 out of every 4 are Chinese. 665. Why was the blonde saving burnt out lightbulbs? For the darkroom she was building. 666. Why didn't the blonde change her tire? It was only flat on one side. 667. Why are blondes so happy? Ignorance is bliss. 668. What has an IQ of 7? 8 blondes. 669. What the difference between a blonde and a dog whining on a porch? The dog stops whining when you let it in. 670. A guy and his blonde date go to dinner. The waiter comes up to the man and asks him what type of meat he would like for dinner. He decides on beef roast. Then the waiter asks, "And how about your vegetable?" "I don't know," he replied. "You'll have to ask her." 671. What's similar about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and a smart blonde? None of them exist. 672. What's the difference between a blonde and the mumps? Not everyone's had the mumps. 673. What's the difference between a blonde and a government bond? The bond matures eventually. 674. What's a blonde doing when she's gasping for air? Collecting her thoughts. 675. Why does Captain Kirk prefer blondes? Space...the final frontier... 676. Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times? Once when you tell it, one when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it. 677. Why were shopping carts invented? To help blondes learn to walk upright. 678. Why do blondes have trouble getting driver's licenses? Every time the car stops they jump in the back seat. 679. What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a four way stop. 680. Did you hear about the new paint by Gidden that is coming out? It's called "Blonde" and the motto is "It's not to bright and it's easy to spread. 681. Did you hear about the abortion clinic that offers discounts to blondes? It has a one year waiting list! (It's a witty double joke! HAH!!!) 682. Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences. 683. What did the blonde yell during the emergency? What's the number for 911? 684. What do you get when you cross and elephant with a blonde? A 3 1/2 ton pickup. 685. Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? She asked her husband if they needed to get married again. 686. Why did the blonde return her TV set? She couldn't get the English Channel. 687. Did you hear about the company that's hiring blondes? It's trying to lower its overhead. 688. A blonde with multiple problems goes in to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "It hurts when I touch my forehead. It hurts when I touch my nose. It hurts when I touch my elbow. What's wrong with me?" The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Yes," she replies proudly. "Ah, then your finger is broken!" 689. One day a blonde walked into a hair salon wearing a set of headphones. "I'd like a hair cut," she told one of the stylists. The blonde sat down, picked up a it magazine, but did not remove her headphones. The stylist cut her hair anyway, working around the headphones. The stylist thought that this was rather odd, but didn't let it stop her. About six weeks later, the same blonde comes in with headphones again and asks the same stylist to cut her hair again. "All right," the stylist thinks to herself, "this time she'll take off the headphones at least." However, once again the blonde sat in the stylist's chair, picked up a magazine (looking at the pictures obviously), and did not remove her headphones. This really began to bug the stylist. "What can she possibly be listening to that's so good?" she thought. After finishing cutting her hair the stylist thinks to herself, "If she comes in here one more time with those headphones, I'll knock them off 'accidentally' and see what she's listening to." Another six weeks goes by and, sure enough, the same blonde comes in and does the same routine. The stylist had to know what she was listening to. She knocks the headphones off the blonde to see what she is listening to. The moment the headphones come off, the blonde falls to the floor, dead. From the headphones came "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..." 690. Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes:
691. Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde:
692. Blonde Quips in Revenge for Blonde Jokes: 1) The only problem with women is men. 693. Blondes: They taste great and don't leave crumbs in your bed. 694. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking. 695. What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in an large empty area? A vacant lot. 696. What are the four conditions for the perfect blonde? 4 feet tall, no teeth, a flat head to rest your beer on, and
she turns into a pizza after midnight. 697. A True Story: Two of my friends and I were sitting in an establishment that caters to the finer qualities of the femine form when this very nice looking blonde comes over and asks a question. "Does anyone want to see me naked?", she continued "It's only ten bucks, that's three dollars each." We looked at each other and respectfully declined her offer, not wanting a dance at that point. After she left I said, " So that is Blonde Math ... 3+3+3=10." No wonder blondes have this reputation! 698. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears that her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up, you're next!" 699. What did the blonde
say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? 700. How do you make a blonde
laugh on Saturday? |
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